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  1. Сериал «Друзья»
  2. Сезон 1. Серия 1

Эпизод, где Моника берёт новую соседку / The One Where Monica Gets a Roommate

  1. 00:00:01-00:00:05 The One Where It All Began (Pilot)
  2. 00:00:49-00:00:52 There's nothing to tell.
    It's just some guy I work with.
  3. 00:00:53-00:00:55 You're going out with the guy.
  4. 00:00:55-00:00:57 There has to be something
    wrong with him.
  5. 00:00:58-00:01:00 So does he have a hump
    and a hairpiece?
  6. 00:01:02-00:01:04 Wait, does he eat chalk?
  7. 00:01:04-00:01:07 I don't want her to go through
    what I did with Carl.
  8. 00:01:08-00:01:09 Okay, everybody relax.
    This is not even a date.
  9. 00:01:10-00:01:13 It's just two people going out
    to dinner and not having sex.
  10. 00:01:14-00:01:17 Sounds like a date to me.
  11. 00:01:18-00:01:21 I'm in high school,
    in the cafeteria..
  12. 00:01:21-00:01:24 and I realize I'm totally naked.
  13. 00:01:24-00:01:26 I've had that dream.
  14. 00:01:27-00:01:30 Then I look down and I realize
    there is a phone..
  15. 00:01:31-00:01:34 there.
  16. 00:01:34-00:01:36 - Instead of
    - That's right!
  17. 00:01:37-00:01:38 Never had that one.
  18. 00:01:38-00:01:41 All of a sudden,
    the phone starts to ring.
  19. 00:01:42-00:01:45 And it turns out it's my mother.
  20. 00:01:46-00:01:49 Which is very, very weird
    because she never calls me.
  21. 00:01:55-00:01:57 Hi.
  22. 00:01:59-00:02:00 He says, "Hello,"
    I want to kill myself.
  23. 00:02:01-00:02:02 You okay?
  24. 00:02:02-00:02:07 I feel like someone pulled my
    intestine out of my mouth..
  25. 00:02:07-00:02:12 - and tied it around my neck.
    - Cookie?
  26. 00:02:12-00:02:15 Carol moved her stuff out today.
  27. 00:02:15-00:02:18 - Let me get you some coffee.
    - Thanks.
  28. 00:02:22-00:02:27 No, don't!
    Stop cleansing my aura.
  29. 00:02:27-00:02:32 - Just leave my aura alone, okay?
    - Fine, be murky.
  30. 00:02:32-00:02:36 - I'll be fine. I hope she'll be happy.
    - No, you don't.
  31. 00:02:36-00:02:38 No, I don't.
    To hell with her. She left me!
  32. 00:02:39-00:02:41 You never knew she was a lesbian?
  33. 00:02:45-00:02:47 No! Okay?
  34. 00:02:47-00:02:50 Why does everyone
    keep fixating on that?
  35. 00:02:51-00:02:55 She didn't know.
    How should I know?
  36. 00:02:56-00:03:00 Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian.
  37. 00:03:00-00:03:03 Did I say that out loud?
  38. 00:03:04-00:03:07 Look, you're feeling
    a lot of pain right now.
  39. 00:03:08-00:03:10 You're angry.
    You're hurting.
  40. 00:03:10-00:03:13 Can I tell you what
    the answer is?
  41. 00:03:13-00:03:14 Strip joints!
  42. 00:03:16-00:03:19 Hey, you're single.
    Have some hormones.
  43. 00:03:20-00:03:22 But I don't want
    to be single, okay?
  44. 00:03:22-00:03:26 I just want to be married again.
  45. 00:03:30-00:03:33 And I just want a million dollars!
  46. 00:03:34-00:03:37 - Rachel?
    - Oh, Monica! Thank God!
  47. 00:03:38-00:03:39 I went to your building..
  48. 00:03:40-00:03:43 and a guy with a hammer
    said you'd be here, and you are.
  49. 00:03:44-00:03:47 - Can I get you some coffee?
    - Decaf.
  50. 00:03:48-00:03:52 Everybody, this is Rachel,
    a Lincoln High survivor.
  51. 00:03:52-00:03:54 This is everybody.
    Chandler and Phoebe..
  52. 00:03:54-00:03:57 Joey.
    Remember my brother, Ross?
  53. 00:03:57-00:03:58 Sure!
  54. 00:04:08-00:04:13 You want to tell us now, or are we
    waiting for four wet bridesmaids?
  55. 00:04:14-00:04:19 Well, it started about
    a half-hour before the wedding.
  56. 00:04:19-00:04:22 I was in the room
    with all the presents..
  57. 00:04:22-00:04:26 and I was looking at this
    really gorgeous Limoges gravy boat.
  58. 00:04:27-00:04:28 When all of a sudden
  59. 00:04:28-00:04:29 Sweet 'N Low?
  60. 00:04:30-00:04:33 I realized I was more turned on by
    this gravy boat than Barry.
  61. 00:04:36-00:04:38 I got freaked out,
    and it hit me:
  62. 00:04:39-00:04:41 How much Barry looks
    like Mr. Potato Head.
  63. 00:04:42-00:04:45 I always knew
    he looked familiar, but..
  64. 00:04:48-00:04:51 I had to get out of there,
    and I started wondering..
  65. 00:04:51-00:04:55 "Why am I doing this,"
    and "Who am I doing it for?"
  66. 00:04:55-00:04:59 I didn't know where to go,
    and I know we've drifted apart..
  67. 00:05:00-00:05:03 but you're the only person
    I know here.
  68. 00:05:03-00:05:08 - Who wasn't invited to the wedding.
    - I hoped that wouldn't be an issue.
  69. 00:05:22-00:05:26 I guess he bought her the pipe organ,
    and she's really not happy about it.
  70. 00:05:28-00:05:31 Daddy, I just
    I can't marry him.
  71. 00:05:31-00:05:36 I'm sorry.
    I just don't love him.
  72. 00:05:36-00:05:40 Well, it matters to me!
  73. 00:05:42-00:05:45 She should not be
    wearing those pants.
  74. 00:05:46-00:05:47 Push her down the stairs!
  75. 00:05:48-00:05:51 Push her!
    Push her down the stairs!
  76. 00:05:55-00:05:56 Come on, Daddy, listen!
  77. 00:05:57-00:06:01 All my life, everyone's
    always told me, "You're a shoe!"
  78. 00:06:01-00:06:03 "You're a shoe!"
  79. 00:06:04-00:06:07 What if I don't want to be a shoe?
  80. 00:06:07-00:06:10 What if I want to be a purse?
  81. 00:06:10-00:06:13 Or a hat?
  82. 00:06:13-00:06:15 No, I don't want you
    to buy me a hat!
  83. 00:06:16-00:06:19 It's a metaphor, Daddy!
  84. 00:06:20-00:06:23 You can see where he'd have trouble.
  85. 00:06:25-00:06:27 Look, Daddy,
    it's my life.
  86. 00:06:28-00:06:32 Well, maybe I'll just stay
    here with Monica.
  87. 00:06:34-00:06:37 I guess we've established
    she's staying with Monica.
  88. 00:06:38-00:06:41 Well, maybe that's my decision.
  89. 00:06:41-00:06:43 Maybe I don't need your money.
  90. 00:06:44-00:06:47 Wait!
    I said maybe!
  91. 00:06:54-00:06:55 Just breathe. That's it.
  92. 00:06:56-00:06:58 Try to think of nice, calm things.
  93. 00:06:58-00:07:02 Raindrops on roses
    And whiskers on kittens
  94. 00:07:02-00:07:06 Doorbells and sleigh bells
    And something with mittens
  95. 00:07:07-00:07:11 La la la something
    And noodles with string
  96. 00:07:11-00:07:13 I'm all better now.
  97. 00:07:15-00:07:18 I helped.
  98. 00:07:19-00:07:20 This is probably for the best.
  99. 00:07:21-00:07:23 Independence. Controlling your life.
  100. 00:07:24-00:07:28 You can always come to Joey.
  101. 00:07:28-00:07:31 Me and Chandler live across the hall.
    He's away a lot.
  102. 00:07:33-00:07:36 Stop hitting on her!
    It's her wedding day.
  103. 00:07:36-00:07:39 Like there's a rule, or something?
  104. 00:07:41-00:07:44 Please don't do that again.
    It's a horrible sound.
  105. 00:07:44-00:07:45 It's Paul.
  106. 00:07:45-00:07:46 Buzz him in.
  107. 00:07:47-00:07:49 - Who's Paul?
    - Paul, the wine guy?
  108. 00:07:49-00:07:50 Maybe.
  109. 00:07:50-00:07:54 Your "not a real date"
    is with Paul, the wine guy?
  110. 00:07:54-00:07:56 - He finally asked you out?
    - Yes!
  111. 00:07:57-00:07:59 It's a "Dear Diary" moment.
  112. 00:07:59-00:08:03 - Rach, I can cancel.
    - Please, go, I'll be fine.
  113. 00:08:04-00:08:07 Ross, are you okay?
    Do you want me to stay?
  114. 00:08:08-00:08:10 That'd be good.
  115. 00:08:12-00:08:16 - Really?- Go on! It's Paul, the wine guy!
  116. 00:08:18-00:08:20 Hi, come in!
    Paul, this is..
  117. 00:08:21-00:08:24 everybody.
    Everybody, this is Paul.
  118. 00:08:25-00:08:29 - The wine guy.
    - I didn't catch your name. Paul?
  119. 00:08:31-00:08:33 Sit down.
    Two seconds.
  120. 00:08:37-00:08:41 I just pulled out four eyelashes.
    That can't be good.
  121. 00:08:42-00:08:44 What are you up to tonight?
  122. 00:08:44-00:08:48 I was supposed to be headed
    for Aruba on my honeymoon..
  123. 00:08:48-00:08:51 so, nothing.
  124. 00:08:52-00:08:55 Right. You're not even
    getting your honeymoon.
  125. 00:08:55-00:08:58 Although, Aruba.
    This time of year?
  126. 00:08:59-00:09:01 Talk about your..
  127. 00:09:01-00:09:04 big lizards.
  128. 00:09:07-00:09:10 If you don't want
    to be alone tonight..
  129. 00:09:10-00:09:14 Joey and Chandler are
    helping me with my furniture.
  130. 00:09:14-00:09:16 We're very excited about it.
  131. 00:09:16-00:09:20 Thanks. But I'm just
    going to hang out here.
  132. 00:09:20-00:09:22 - It's been a long day.
    - Oh, sure.
  133. 00:09:22-00:09:23 Phoebe, wanna help?
  134. 00:09:24-00:09:28 I wish I could,
    but I don't want to.
  135. 00:09:34-00:09:38 I'm supposed to attach a bracket-y
    thing to the side things..
  136. 00:09:38-00:09:41 using a bunch of these
    little worm guys.
  137. 00:09:43-00:09:47 I have no bracket-y thing.
    I see no worm guys whatsoever..
  138. 00:09:47-00:09:50 and I cannot feel my legs.
  139. 00:09:53-00:09:53 What's this?
  140. 00:09:54-00:09:57 - I have no idea.
  141. 00:09:58-00:10:01 - Done with the bookcase.
    - All finished.
  142. 00:10:04-00:10:07 This was Carol's favorite beer.
  143. 00:10:08-00:10:12 She always drank it out of the can.
    I should have known.
  144. 00:10:13-00:10:14 Let me ask you.
  145. 00:10:14-00:10:18 She got the furniture,
    the stereo, the good TV.
  146. 00:10:19-00:10:20 What did you get?
  147. 00:10:21-00:10:24 - You guys.
    - You got screwed.
  148. 00:10:24-00:10:29 - Oh, my God.
    - I know. I'm such an idiot.
  149. 00:10:29-00:10:33 I should've known when she went to
    the dentist five times a week.
  150. 00:10:34-00:10:36 I mean, how clean can teeth get?
  151. 00:10:36-00:10:38 My brother's going through that.
  152. 00:10:39-00:10:40 How did you get over it?
  153. 00:10:40-00:10:44 He might accidentally
    break something valuable of hers.
  154. 00:10:44-00:10:46 - Say her
    - Leg?
  155. 00:10:46-00:10:50 That's one way of doing it.
    I went for the watch.
  156. 00:10:50-00:10:52 You actually broke her watch?
  157. 00:10:53-00:10:55 Barry, I'm sorry.
    I am so sorry.
  158. 00:10:56-00:11:01 You probably think it's about making
    love with your socks on, but it isn't.
  159. 00:11:01-00:11:04 It's about me.
    And I just
  160. 00:11:11-00:11:14 The machine cut me off again.
    Anyway..
  161. 00:11:16-00:11:20 Know what's scary? What if there's
    only one woman for everybody?
  162. 00:11:20-00:11:23 I mean, what if you get one
    woman, and that's it?
  163. 00:11:23-00:11:28 Unfortunately, in my case,
    there was only one woman for her.
  164. 00:11:29-00:11:32 What are you talking about?
    One woman.
  165. 00:11:32-00:11:36 That's like saying there's only
    one flavor of ice cream.
  166. 00:11:36-00:11:40 Let me tell you something.
    There's lots of flavors out there.
  167. 00:11:41-00:11:45 Rocky road and cookie dough
    and bing cherry vanilla.
  168. 00:11:45-00:11:50 You can get them with jimmies
    or nuts or whipped cream.
  169. 00:11:50-00:11:53 It's the best thing
    to happen to you!
  170. 00:11:53-00:11:57 You got married.
    You were like, what, 8?
  171. 00:11:58-00:12:02 Welcome back to the world.
    Grab a spoon!
  172. 00:12:02-00:12:06 - I don't know if I'm hungry or horny.
    - Then stay out of my freezer.
  173. 00:12:10-00:12:14 Ever since she walked out on me..
  174. 00:12:14-00:12:16 What?
  175. 00:12:16-00:12:19 You wanna spell it out with noodles?
  176. 00:12:19-00:12:24 It's more of a fifth date
    kind of revelation.
  177. 00:12:24-00:12:26 So there's going to be
    a fifth date?
  178. 00:12:27-00:12:28 Isn't there?
  179. 00:12:28-00:12:31 Yeah, yeah.
    I think there is.
  180. 00:12:32-00:12:36 What were you going to say?
  181. 00:12:39-00:12:42 Ever since she left me..
  182. 00:12:42-00:12:45 I haven't been able to perform..
  183. 00:12:46-00:12:48 sexually.
  184. 00:12:50-00:12:53 Oh, God!
    I'm so sorry.
  185. 00:12:53-00:12:58 Being spit on is probably
    not what you need right now.
  186. 00:12:59-00:13:01 How long?
  187. 00:13:01-00:13:04 - Two years.
    - Wow.
  188. 00:13:04-00:13:08 I'm glad you smashed her watch.
  189. 00:13:09-00:13:14 So you still think you might
    want that fifth date?
  190. 00:13:15-00:13:20 Yeah.
    Yeah, I do.
  191. 00:13:27-00:13:28 See!
  192. 00:13:28-00:13:34 But Joanie loved Chachi.
    That's the difference.
  193. 00:13:35-00:13:36 "Grab a spoon."
  194. 00:13:37-00:13:40 Do you know how long it's been
    since I grabbed a spoon?
  195. 00:13:40-00:13:44 Do the words, "Billy, don't be
    a hero," mean anything to you?
  196. 00:13:45-00:13:49 Here's the thing. Even if
    I could get it together enough..
  197. 00:13:49-00:13:52 to ask a woman out..
  198. 00:13:52-00:13:54 who am I going to ask?
  199. 00:14:17-00:14:20 Isn't this amazing?
    I've never made coffee in my life.
  200. 00:14:21-00:14:23 - That is amazing.
    - Congratulations.
  201. 00:14:24-00:14:28 If you feel like you have to make
    a Western omelet or something..
  202. 00:14:31-00:14:34 Although, actually
    I'm really not that hungry.
  203. 00:14:35-00:14:37 - Good morning.
    - Good morning.
  204. 00:14:39-00:14:40 - Morning.
    - Morning, Paul.
  205. 00:14:41-00:14:44 - Hello, Paul.
    - Hi. Paul, is it?
  206. 00:14:51-00:14:53 - Thank you so much.
  207. 00:14:54-00:14:55 We'll talk later.
  208. 00:15:00-00:15:02 Thank you.
  209. 00:15:09-00:15:12 That wasn't a real date.
  210. 00:15:12-00:15:16 What the hell do you do
    on a real date?
  211. 00:15:17-00:15:20 Shut up and put my table back.
  212. 00:15:20-00:15:22 I've got to get to work.
  213. 00:15:22-00:15:28 If I don't input those numbers,
    it doesn't make much of a difference.
  214. 00:15:31-00:15:34 So, like, you guys all have jobs?
  215. 00:15:35-00:15:39 Yeah, we all have jobs.
    That's how we buy stuff.
  216. 00:15:40-00:15:44 - Yeah, I'm an actor.
    - Have I seen you in anything?
  217. 00:15:44-00:15:46 I doubt it.
    Mostly regional work.
  218. 00:15:46-00:15:49 Unless you saw the Wee One's
    production of Pinocchio..
  219. 00:15:50-00:15:52 "Look, Geppetto.
    I'm a real live boy."
  220. 00:15:55-00:15:59 - I will not take this abuse.
    - You're right, I'm sorry.
  221. 00:15:59-00:16:02 Once I was a wooden boy
    A little wooden boy
  222. 00:16:07-00:16:09 How are you doing today?
    Sleep okay?
  223. 00:16:09-00:16:13 Did you talk to Barry?
    I can't stop smiling.
  224. 00:16:13-00:16:18 I see that. You look like you
    slept with a hanger in your mouth.
  225. 00:16:22-00:16:25 I know.
    He's just so..
  226. 00:16:26-00:16:29 - Remember you and Tony Demarco?
    - Oh, yeah.
  227. 00:16:29-00:16:33 Well, it's like that.
    With feelings.
  228. 00:16:33-00:16:35 - Wow, are you in trouble!
  229. 00:16:36-00:16:40 I'm going to get up, go to work,
    and not think about him all day.
  230. 00:16:41-00:16:44 Or else I'm going to get up
    and go to work.
  231. 00:16:44-00:16:46 - Wish me luck!
    - What for?
  232. 00:16:46-00:16:50 I'm gonna go get one
    of those job things.
  233. 00:16:58-00:17:00 - Hi, Monica.
    - Franny, welcome back.
  234. 00:17:00-00:17:03 - How was Florida?
    - You had sex, didn't you?
  235. 00:17:05-00:17:06 - How do you do that?
  236. 00:17:07-00:17:10 So, who?
  237. 00:17:10-00:17:12 You know Paul?
  238. 00:17:12-00:17:15 Paul, the wine guy?
    Yeah, I know Paul.
  239. 00:17:18-00:17:20 You mean, you know Paul
    like I know Paul?
  240. 00:17:20-00:17:23 What?
    I take credit for Paul.
  241. 00:17:23-00:17:27 Before me, there was no snap in his
    turtle for two years.
  242. 00:17:30-00:17:33 Of course it was a line.
  243. 00:17:33-00:17:36 Why would anybody
    do something like that?
  244. 00:17:36-00:17:39 I assume we want an answer
    more sophisticated than:
  245. 00:17:40-00:17:42 "To get you into bed."
  246. 00:17:43-00:17:44 Is it me?
  247. 00:17:44-00:17:48 Is it like I have some sort of
    beacon that only dogs..
  248. 00:17:48-00:17:51 and men with emotional problems
    can hear?
  249. 00:17:51-00:17:54 Come here.
    Give me your feet.
  250. 00:18:00-00:18:03 I just thought he was nice, you know?
  251. 00:18:06-00:18:10 I can't believe
    you didn't know it was a line.
  252. 00:18:13-00:18:15 - Guess what?
    - You got a job?
  253. 00:18:15-00:18:19 Are you kidding?
    I'm trained for nothing.
  254. 00:18:20-00:18:24 - I was laughed out of 12 interviews.
    - You're surprisingly upbeat.
  255. 00:18:24-00:18:27 You'd be too,
    if you found these boots on sale..
  256. 00:18:27-00:18:29 50% off.
  257. 00:18:29-00:18:32 How well you know me.
  258. 00:18:34-00:18:36 They're my
    "I don't need a job..
  259. 00:18:36-00:18:38 I've got great boots" boots.
  260. 00:18:39-00:18:41 - How did you pay?
    - Credit card.
  261. 00:18:42-00:18:44 And who pays for that?
  262. 00:18:45-00:18:47 My father.
  263. 00:18:48-00:18:50 You can't live off your parents.
  264. 00:18:50-00:18:54 I know that.
    That's why I was getting married.
  265. 00:18:54-00:18:57 Give her a break.
    It's hard being on your own.
  266. 00:18:58-00:18:59 Thank you.
  267. 00:18:59-00:19:02 I remember when I first
    came to this city, I was 14.
  268. 00:19:03-00:19:05 Mom had killed herself,
    stepdad was in jail.
  269. 00:19:06-00:19:08 I didn't know anybody here.
  270. 00:19:08-00:19:13 I ended up living with this albino
    guy who was cleaning windshields.
  271. 00:19:13-00:19:15 And then he killed himself.
  272. 00:19:15-00:19:19 Then I found aromatherapy.
    So I know exactly how you feel.
  273. 00:19:23-00:19:25 The word you're looking for is:
  274. 00:19:26-00:19:28 "Anyway.."
  275. 00:19:32-00:19:35 - You ready?
    - No, I don't think so.
  276. 00:19:36-00:19:38 Cut. Cut. Cut.
  277. 00:19:45-00:19:46 Welcome to the real world!
  278. 00:19:46-00:19:50 It sucks.
    You're gonna love it.
  279. 00:19:57-00:20:00 That's it.
    Are you going to crash on the couch?
  280. 00:20:00-00:20:04 - No, I gotta go home sometime.
    - Are you gonna be okay?
  281. 00:20:06-00:20:10 Look what I just
    found on the floor.
  282. 00:20:10-00:20:12 What?
  283. 00:20:12-00:20:16 That's Paul's watch.
    Just put it back where you found it.
  284. 00:20:18-00:20:20 Oh, boy!
    All right.
  285. 00:20:20-00:20:24 - Good night, everybody.
    - Good night.
  286. 00:20:34-00:20:38 - I'm sorry. Have it, I don't want it.
    - Split it?
  287. 00:20:43-00:20:46 You probably didn't know this,
    but in high school..
  288. 00:20:47-00:20:49 I had a major crush on you.
  289. 00:20:49-00:20:50 I knew.
  290. 00:20:51-00:20:54 You did?
  291. 00:20:54-00:20:57 I figured you thought
    I was Monica's geeky brother.
  292. 00:20:58-00:21:00 I did.
  293. 00:21:04-00:21:06 Listen, do you think..?
  294. 00:21:06-00:21:11 Try not to let my vulnerability
    become a factor here.
  295. 00:21:12-00:21:16 Do you think it would be okay
    if I asked you out sometime?
  296. 00:21:17-00:21:19 Yeah.
  297. 00:21:19-00:21:20 Maybe.
  298. 00:21:21-00:21:25 Okay.
  299. 00:21:28-00:21:30 Okay, maybe I will.
  300. 00:21:34-00:21:38 - Good night.
    - Good night.
  301. 00:21:51-00:21:53 See you.
  302. 00:21:54-00:21:57 Wait, wait.
    What's with you?
  303. 00:22:00-00:22:04 I just grabbed a spoon.
  304. 00:22:09-00:22:13 - I can't believe what I'm hearing.
    - Can't believe what I'm hearing
  305. 00:22:13-00:22:16 - What? I said
    - What? I said
  306. 00:22:17-00:22:19 - Would you stop?
    - Was I doing it again?
  307. 00:22:19-00:22:22 Yes!
  308. 00:22:22-00:22:25 Would anybody like more coffee?
  309. 00:22:26-00:22:28 You made it,
    or you're serving it?
  310. 00:22:29-00:22:32 - I'm just serving it.
    - I'll have a cup of coffee.
  311. 00:22:32-00:22:34 Kids, new dream.
  312. 00:22:34-00:22:36 I'm in Las Vegas.
  313. 00:22:37-00:22:39 I'm Liza Minnelli..