Эпизод, где Моника берёт новую соседку / The One Where Monica Gets a Roommate
- 00:00:01-00:00:05 The One Where It All Began (Pilot)
- 00:00:49-00:00:52 There's nothing to tell.
It's just some guy I work with.
- 00:00:53-00:00:55 You're going out with the guy.
- 00:00:55-00:00:57 There has to be something
wrong with him.
- 00:00:58-00:01:00 So does he have a hump
and a hairpiece?
- 00:01:02-00:01:04 Wait, does he eat chalk?
- 00:01:04-00:01:07 I don't want her to go through
what I did with Carl.
- 00:01:08-00:01:09 Okay, everybody relax.
This is not even a date.
- 00:01:10-00:01:13 It's just two people going out
to dinner and not having sex.
- 00:01:14-00:01:17 Sounds like a date to me.
- 00:01:18-00:01:21 I'm in high school,
in the cafeteria..
- 00:01:21-00:01:24 and I realize I'm totally naked.
- 00:01:24-00:01:26 I've had that dream.
- 00:01:27-00:01:30 Then I look down and I realize
there is a phone..
- 00:01:31-00:01:34 there.
- 00:01:34-00:01:36 - Instead of
- That's right!
- 00:01:37-00:01:38 Never had that one.
- 00:01:38-00:01:41 All of a sudden,
the phone starts to ring.
- 00:01:42-00:01:45 And it turns out it's my mother.
- 00:01:46-00:01:49 Which is very, very weird
because she never calls me.
- 00:01:55-00:01:57 Hi.
- 00:01:59-00:02:00 He says, "Hello,"
I want to kill myself.
- 00:02:01-00:02:02 You okay?
- 00:02:02-00:02:07 I feel like someone pulled my
intestine out of my mouth..
- 00:02:07-00:02:12 - and tied it around my neck.
- 00:02:12-00:02:15 Carol moved her stuff out today.
- 00:02:15-00:02:18 - Let me get you some coffee.
- 00:02:22-00:02:27 No, don't!
Stop cleansing my aura.
- 00:02:27-00:02:32 - Just leave my aura alone, okay?
- Fine, be murky.
- 00:02:32-00:02:36 - I'll be fine. I hope she'll be happy.
- No, you don't.
- 00:02:36-00:02:38 No, I don't.
To hell with her. She left me!
- 00:02:39-00:02:41 You never knew she was a lesbian?
- 00:02:45-00:02:47 No! Okay?
- 00:02:47-00:02:50 Why does everyone
keep fixating on that?
- 00:02:51-00:02:55 She didn't know.
How should I know?
- 00:02:56-00:03:00 Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian.
- 00:03:00-00:03:03 Did I say that out loud?
- 00:03:04-00:03:07 Look, you're feeling
a lot of pain right now.
- 00:03:08-00:03:10 You're angry.
- 00:03:10-00:03:13 Can I tell you what
the answer is?
- 00:03:13-00:03:14 Strip joints!
- 00:03:16-00:03:19 Hey, you're single.
Have some hormones.
- 00:03:20-00:03:22 But I don't want
to be single, okay?
- 00:03:22-00:03:26 I just want to be married again.
- 00:03:30-00:03:33 And I just want a million dollars!
- 00:03:34-00:03:37 - Rachel?
- Oh, Monica! Thank God!
- 00:03:38-00:03:39 I went to your building..
- 00:03:40-00:03:43 and a guy with a hammer
said you'd be here, and you are.
- 00:03:44-00:03:47 - Can I get you some coffee?
- 00:03:48-00:03:52 Everybody, this is Rachel,
a Lincoln High survivor.
- 00:03:52-00:03:54 This is everybody.
Chandler and Phoebe..
- 00:03:54-00:03:57 Joey.
Remember my brother, Ross?
- 00:03:57-00:03:58 Sure!
- 00:04:08-00:04:13 You want to tell us now, or are we
waiting for four wet bridesmaids?
- 00:04:14-00:04:19 Well, it started about
a half-hour before the wedding.
- 00:04:19-00:04:22 I was in the room
with all the presents..
- 00:04:22-00:04:26 and I was looking at this
really gorgeous Limoges gravy boat.
- 00:04:27-00:04:28 When all of a sudden
- 00:04:28-00:04:29 Sweet 'N Low?
- 00:04:30-00:04:33 I realized I was more turned on by
this gravy boat than Barry.
- 00:04:36-00:04:38 I got freaked out,
and it hit me:
- 00:04:39-00:04:41 How much Barry looks
like Mr. Potato Head.
- 00:04:42-00:04:45 I always knew
he looked familiar, but..
- 00:04:48-00:04:51 I had to get out of there,
and I started wondering..
- 00:04:51-00:04:55 "Why am I doing this,"
and "Who am I doing it for?"
- 00:04:55-00:04:59 I didn't know where to go,
and I know we've drifted apart..
- 00:05:00-00:05:03 but you're the only person
I know here.
- 00:05:03-00:05:08 - Who wasn't invited to the wedding.
- I hoped that wouldn't be an issue.
- 00:05:22-00:05:26 I guess he bought her the pipe organ,
and she's really not happy about it.
- 00:05:28-00:05:31 Daddy, I just
I can't marry him.
- 00:05:31-00:05:36 I'm sorry.
I just don't love him.
- 00:05:36-00:05:40 Well, it matters to me!
- 00:05:42-00:05:45 She should not be
wearing those pants.
- 00:05:46-00:05:47 Push her down the stairs!
- 00:05:48-00:05:51 Push her!
Push her down the stairs!
- 00:05:55-00:05:56 Come on, Daddy, listen!
- 00:05:57-00:06:01 All my life, everyone's
always told me, "You're a shoe!"
- 00:06:01-00:06:03 "You're a shoe!"
- 00:06:04-00:06:07 What if I don't want to be a shoe?
- 00:06:07-00:06:10 What if I want to be a purse?
- 00:06:10-00:06:13 Or a hat?
- 00:06:13-00:06:15 No, I don't want you
to buy me a hat!
- 00:06:16-00:06:19 It's a metaphor, Daddy!
- 00:06:20-00:06:23 You can see where he'd have trouble.
- 00:06:25-00:06:27 Look, Daddy,
it's my life.
- 00:06:28-00:06:32 Well, maybe I'll just stay
here with Monica.
- 00:06:34-00:06:37 I guess we've established
she's staying with Monica.
- 00:06:38-00:06:41 Well, maybe that's my decision.
- 00:06:41-00:06:43 Maybe I don't need your money.
- 00:06:44-00:06:47 Wait!
I said maybe!
- 00:06:54-00:06:55 Just breathe. That's it.
- 00:06:56-00:06:58 Try to think of nice, calm things.
- 00:06:58-00:07:02 Raindrops on roses
And whiskers on kittens
- 00:07:02-00:07:06 Doorbells and sleigh bells
And something with mittens
- 00:07:07-00:07:11 La la la something
And noodles with string
- 00:07:11-00:07:13 I'm all better now.
- 00:07:15-00:07:18 I helped.
- 00:07:19-00:07:20 This is probably for the best.
- 00:07:21-00:07:23 Independence. Controlling your life.
- 00:07:24-00:07:28 You can always come to Joey.
- 00:07:28-00:07:31 Me and Chandler live across the hall.
He's away a lot.
- 00:07:33-00:07:36 Stop hitting on her!
It's her wedding day.
- 00:07:36-00:07:39 Like there's a rule, or something?
- 00:07:41-00:07:44 Please don't do that again.
It's a horrible sound.
- 00:07:44-00:07:45 It's Paul.
- 00:07:45-00:07:46 Buzz him in.
- 00:07:47-00:07:49 - Who's Paul?
- Paul, the wine guy?
- 00:07:49-00:07:50 Maybe.
- 00:07:50-00:07:54 Your "not a real date"
is with Paul, the wine guy?
- 00:07:54-00:07:56 - He finally asked you out?
- 00:07:57-00:07:59 It's a "Dear Diary" moment.
- 00:07:59-00:08:03 - Rach, I can cancel.
- Please, go, I'll be fine.
- 00:08:04-00:08:07 Ross, are you okay?
Do you want me to stay?
- 00:08:08-00:08:10 That'd be good.
- 00:08:12-00:08:16 - Really?- Go on! It's Paul, the wine guy!
- 00:08:18-00:08:20 Hi, come in!
Paul, this is..
- 00:08:21-00:08:24 everybody.
Everybody, this is Paul.
- 00:08:25-00:08:29 - The wine guy.
- I didn't catch your name. Paul?
- 00:08:31-00:08:33 Sit down.
- 00:08:37-00:08:41 I just pulled out four eyelashes.
That can't be good.
- 00:08:42-00:08:44 What are you up to tonight?
- 00:08:44-00:08:48 I was supposed to be headed
for Aruba on my honeymoon..
- 00:08:48-00:08:51 so, nothing.
- 00:08:52-00:08:55 Right. You're not even
getting your honeymoon.
- 00:08:55-00:08:58 Although, Aruba.
This time of year?
- 00:08:59-00:09:01 Talk about your..
- 00:09:01-00:09:04 big lizards.
- 00:09:07-00:09:10 If you don't want
to be alone tonight..
- 00:09:10-00:09:14 Joey and Chandler are
helping me with my furniture.
- 00:09:14-00:09:16 We're very excited about it.
- 00:09:16-00:09:20 Thanks. But I'm just
going to hang out here.
- 00:09:20-00:09:22 - It's been a long day.
- Oh, sure.
- 00:09:22-00:09:23 Phoebe, wanna help?
- 00:09:24-00:09:28 I wish I could,
but I don't want to.
- 00:09:34-00:09:38 I'm supposed to attach a bracket-y
thing to the side things..
- 00:09:38-00:09:41 using a bunch of these
little worm guys.
- 00:09:43-00:09:47 I have no bracket-y thing.
I see no worm guys whatsoever..
- 00:09:47-00:09:50 and I cannot feel my legs.
- 00:09:53-00:09:53 What's this?
- 00:09:54-00:09:57 - I have no idea.
- 00:09:58-00:10:01 - Done with the bookcase.
- All finished.
- 00:10:04-00:10:07 This was Carol's favorite beer.
- 00:10:08-00:10:12 She always drank it out of the can.
I should have known.
- 00:10:13-00:10:14 Let me ask you.
- 00:10:14-00:10:18 She got the furniture,
the stereo, the good TV.
- 00:10:19-00:10:20 What did you get?
- 00:10:21-00:10:24 - You guys.
- You got screwed.
- 00:10:24-00:10:29 - Oh, my God.
- I know. I'm such an idiot.
- 00:10:29-00:10:33 I should've known when she went to
the dentist five times a week.
- 00:10:34-00:10:36 I mean, how clean can teeth get?
- 00:10:36-00:10:38 My brother's going through that.
- 00:10:39-00:10:40 How did you get over it?
- 00:10:40-00:10:44 He might accidentally
break something valuable of hers.
- 00:10:44-00:10:46 - Say her
- 00:10:46-00:10:50 That's one way of doing it.
I went for the watch.
- 00:10:50-00:10:52 You actually broke her watch?
- 00:10:53-00:10:55 Barry, I'm sorry.
I am so sorry.
- 00:10:56-00:11:01 You probably think it's about making
love with your socks on, but it isn't.
- 00:11:01-00:11:04 It's about me.
And I just
- 00:11:11-00:11:14 The machine cut me off again.
- 00:11:16-00:11:20 Know what's scary? What if there's
only one woman for everybody?
- 00:11:20-00:11:23 I mean, what if you get one
woman, and that's it?
- 00:11:23-00:11:28 Unfortunately, in my case,
there was only one woman for her.
- 00:11:29-00:11:32 What are you talking about?
- 00:11:32-00:11:36 That's like saying there's only
one flavor of ice cream.
- 00:11:36-00:11:40 Let me tell you something.
There's lots of flavors out there.
- 00:11:41-00:11:45 Rocky road and cookie dough
and bing cherry vanilla.
- 00:11:45-00:11:50 You can get them with jimmies
or nuts or whipped cream.
- 00:11:50-00:11:53 It's the best thing
to happen to you!
- 00:11:53-00:11:57 You got married.
You were like, what, 8?
- 00:11:58-00:12:02 Welcome back to the world.
Grab a spoon!
- 00:12:02-00:12:06 - I don't know if I'm hungry or horny.
- Then stay out of my freezer.
- 00:12:10-00:12:14 Ever since she walked out on me..
- 00:12:14-00:12:16 What?
- 00:12:16-00:12:19 You wanna spell it out with noodles?
- 00:12:19-00:12:24 It's more of a fifth date
kind of revelation.
- 00:12:24-00:12:26 So there's going to be
a fifth date?
- 00:12:27-00:12:28 Isn't there?
- 00:12:28-00:12:31 Yeah, yeah.
I think there is.
- 00:12:32-00:12:36 What were you going to say?
- 00:12:39-00:12:42 Ever since she left me..
- 00:12:42-00:12:45 I haven't been able to perform..
- 00:12:46-00:12:48 sexually.
- 00:12:50-00:12:53 Oh, God!
I'm so sorry.
- 00:12:53-00:12:58 Being spit on is probably
not what you need right now.
- 00:12:59-00:13:01 How long?
- 00:13:01-00:13:04 - Two years.
- 00:13:04-00:13:08 I'm glad you smashed her watch.
- 00:13:09-00:13:14 So you still think you might
want that fifth date?
- 00:13:15-00:13:20 Yeah.
Yeah, I do.
- 00:13:27-00:13:28 See!
- 00:13:28-00:13:34 But Joanie loved Chachi.
That's the difference.
- 00:13:35-00:13:36 "Grab a spoon."
- 00:13:37-00:13:40 Do you know how long it's been
since I grabbed a spoon?
- 00:13:40-00:13:44 Do the words, "Billy, don't be
a hero," mean anything to you?
- 00:13:45-00:13:49 Here's the thing. Even if
I could get it together enough..
- 00:13:49-00:13:52 to ask a woman out..
- 00:13:52-00:13:54 who am I going to ask?
- 00:14:17-00:14:20 Isn't this amazing?
I've never made coffee in my life.
- 00:14:21-00:14:23 - That is amazing.
- 00:14:24-00:14:28 If you feel like you have to make
a Western omelet or something..
- 00:14:31-00:14:34 Although, actually
I'm really not that hungry.
- 00:14:35-00:14:37 - Good morning.
- Good morning.
- 00:14:39-00:14:40 - Morning.
- Morning, Paul.
- 00:14:41-00:14:44 - Hello, Paul.
- Hi. Paul, is it?
- 00:14:51-00:14:53 - Thank you so much.
- 00:14:54-00:14:55 We'll talk later.
- 00:15:00-00:15:02 Thank you.
- 00:15:09-00:15:12 That wasn't a real date.
- 00:15:12-00:15:16 What the hell do you do
on a real date?
- 00:15:17-00:15:20 Shut up and put my table back.
- 00:15:20-00:15:22 I've got to get to work.
- 00:15:22-00:15:28 If I don't input those numbers,
it doesn't make much of a difference.
- 00:15:31-00:15:34 So, like, you guys all have jobs?
- 00:15:35-00:15:39 Yeah, we all have jobs.
That's how we buy stuff.
- 00:15:40-00:15:44 - Yeah, I'm an actor.
- Have I seen you in anything?
- 00:15:44-00:15:46 I doubt it.
Mostly regional work.
- 00:15:46-00:15:49 Unless you saw the Wee One's
production of Pinocchio..
- 00:15:50-00:15:52 "Look, Geppetto.
I'm a real live boy."
- 00:15:55-00:15:59 - I will not take this abuse.
- You're right, I'm sorry.
- 00:15:59-00:16:02 Once I was a wooden boy
A little wooden boy
- 00:16:07-00:16:09 How are you doing today?
- 00:16:09-00:16:13 Did you talk to Barry?
I can't stop smiling.
- 00:16:13-00:16:18 I see that. You look like you
slept with a hanger in your mouth.
- 00:16:22-00:16:25 I know.
He's just so..
- 00:16:26-00:16:29 - Remember you and Tony Demarco?
- Oh, yeah.
- 00:16:29-00:16:33 Well, it's like that.
- 00:16:33-00:16:35 - Wow, are you in trouble!
- 00:16:36-00:16:40 I'm going to get up, go to work,
and not think about him all day.
- 00:16:41-00:16:44 Or else I'm going to get up
and go to work.
- 00:16:44-00:16:46 - Wish me luck!
- What for?
- 00:16:46-00:16:50 I'm gonna go get one
of those job things.
- 00:16:58-00:17:00 - Hi, Monica.
- Franny, welcome back.
- 00:17:00-00:17:03 - How was Florida?
- You had sex, didn't you?
- 00:17:05-00:17:06 - How do you do that?
- 00:17:07-00:17:10 So, who?
- 00:17:10-00:17:12 You know Paul?
- 00:17:12-00:17:15 Paul, the wine guy?
Yeah, I know Paul.
- 00:17:18-00:17:20 You mean, you know Paul
like I know Paul?
- 00:17:20-00:17:23 What?
I take credit for Paul.
- 00:17:23-00:17:27 Before me, there was no snap in his
turtle for two years.
- 00:17:30-00:17:33 Of course it was a line.
- 00:17:33-00:17:36 Why would anybody
do something like that?
- 00:17:36-00:17:39 I assume we want an answer
more sophisticated than:
- 00:17:40-00:17:42 "To get you into bed."
- 00:17:43-00:17:44 Is it me?
- 00:17:44-00:17:48 Is it like I have some sort of
beacon that only dogs..
- 00:17:48-00:17:51 and men with emotional problems
- 00:17:51-00:17:54 Come here.
Give me your feet.
- 00:18:00-00:18:03 I just thought he was nice, you know?
- 00:18:06-00:18:10 I can't believe
you didn't know it was a line.
- 00:18:13-00:18:15 - Guess what?
- You got a job?
- 00:18:15-00:18:19 Are you kidding?
I'm trained for nothing.
- 00:18:20-00:18:24 - I was laughed out of 12 interviews.
- You're surprisingly upbeat.
- 00:18:24-00:18:27 You'd be too,
if you found these boots on sale..
- 00:18:27-00:18:29 50% off.
- 00:18:29-00:18:32 How well you know me.
- 00:18:34-00:18:36 They're my
"I don't need a job..
- 00:18:36-00:18:38 I've got great boots" boots.
- 00:18:39-00:18:41 - How did you pay?
- Credit card.
- 00:18:42-00:18:44 And who pays for that?
- 00:18:45-00:18:47 My father.
- 00:18:48-00:18:50 You can't live off your parents.
- 00:18:50-00:18:54 I know that.
That's why I was getting married.
- 00:18:54-00:18:57 Give her a break.
It's hard being on your own.
- 00:18:58-00:18:59 Thank you.
- 00:18:59-00:19:02 I remember when I first
came to this city, I was 14.
- 00:19:03-00:19:05 Mom had killed herself,
stepdad was in jail.
- 00:19:06-00:19:08 I didn't know anybody here.
- 00:19:08-00:19:13 I ended up living with this albino
guy who was cleaning windshields.
- 00:19:13-00:19:15 And then he killed himself.
- 00:19:15-00:19:19 Then I found aromatherapy.
So I know exactly how you feel.
- 00:19:23-00:19:25 The word you're looking for is:
- 00:19:26-00:19:28 "Anyway.."
- 00:19:32-00:19:35 - You ready?
- No, I don't think so.
- 00:19:36-00:19:38 Cut. Cut. Cut.
- 00:19:45-00:19:46 Welcome to the real world!
- 00:19:46-00:19:50 It sucks.
You're gonna love it.
- 00:19:57-00:20:00 That's it.
Are you going to crash on the couch?
- 00:20:00-00:20:04 - No, I gotta go home sometime.
- Are you gonna be okay?
- 00:20:06-00:20:10 Look what I just
found on the floor.
- 00:20:10-00:20:12 What?
- 00:20:12-00:20:16 That's Paul's watch.
Just put it back where you found it.
- 00:20:18-00:20:20 Oh, boy!
- 00:20:20-00:20:24 - Good night, everybody.
- Good night.
- 00:20:34-00:20:38 - I'm sorry. Have it, I don't want it.
- Split it?
- 00:20:43-00:20:46 You probably didn't know this,
but in high school..
- 00:20:47-00:20:49 I had a major crush on you.
- 00:20:49-00:20:50 I knew.
- 00:20:51-00:20:54 You did?
- 00:20:54-00:20:57 I figured you thought
I was Monica's geeky brother.
- 00:20:58-00:21:00 I did.
- 00:21:04-00:21:06 Listen, do you think..?
- 00:21:06-00:21:11 Try not to let my vulnerability
become a factor here.
- 00:21:12-00:21:16 Do you think it would be okay
if I asked you out sometime?
- 00:21:17-00:21:19 Yeah.
- 00:21:19-00:21:20 Maybe.
- 00:21:21-00:21:25 Okay.
- 00:21:28-00:21:30 Okay, maybe I will.
- 00:21:34-00:21:38 - Good night.
- Good night.
- 00:21:51-00:21:53 See you.
- 00:21:54-00:21:57 Wait, wait.
What's with you?
- 00:22:00-00:22:04 I just grabbed a spoon.
- 00:22:09-00:22:13 - I can't believe what I'm hearing.
- Can't believe what I'm hearing
- 00:22:13-00:22:16 - What? I said
- What? I said
- 00:22:17-00:22:19 - Would you stop?
- Was I doing it again?
- 00:22:19-00:22:22 Yes!
- 00:22:22-00:22:25 Would anybody like more coffee?
- 00:22:26-00:22:28 You made it,
or you're serving it?
- 00:22:29-00:22:32 - I'm just serving it.
- I'll have a cup of coffee.
- 00:22:32-00:22:34 Kids, new dream.
- 00:22:34-00:22:36 I'm in Las Vegas.
- 00:22:37-00:22:39 I'm Liza Minnelli..